countdown to my fundraising trek…doodo do-do d-d-do-do dooo.  And so on.

Yesterday marked one month exactly until I fly off to China. Yikes.  I’m already feeling nervous.  Nervous in an excited way, but nervous all the same.

I’ve been getting myself down the gym frequently, my visa is sitting in my drawer, I’ve officially raised all the money I have to and I still have more events planned.  But still, I’m worried.

Honestly I’m not sure if I’m worried about anything in particular – I just have a general feeling that I’m not ready.  Not ready for the walk, not ready to leave my lovely Joe behind for a week, not ready for all this to be over.

Because the trek being over means I’m that little bit further away from Hannah.

She was so wonderful and so special that I had to do something wonderful and special to honour her.  I can’t help but be aware that every day that passes is another day without her.

I don’t mean to sound maudlin or morbid, but this is my Trek for Hannah.  It’s my way of holding onto her.  And once it’s gone, it feels like really admitting she’s gone too.

I remember reading an interview with the actress Michelle Williams about the loss of her former partner Heath Ledger.  In it she said that she misses the year of his death – not for the pain but for the possibility.  She talked of how she expected him to walk into the room at any time, that it was a year of “magical thinking”.

I know how she feels.

I miss the feeling that one day I might wake up and realise it was all a dream.

My inner optimist just couldn’t let go of the feeling that somehow everything would just work out right.

Even long after she’d gone.

But now, I am moving on.  I know she’d want me to, I know it’s for the best and I know it doesn’t mean she isn’t still special to us all.  But .. it doesn’t seem right for it to be ok that she’s not here.

I guess it will always feel that way.  But there’s one thing I won’t be letting go of – my memories of Hannah and my admiration for CLIC Sargent.  I’m already thinking about how to carry on supporting CLIC Sargent post-China.